We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Friday, February 03, 2006

An explanation of football *I didnt write this*

Football is played on a field that is 100 yards (374 kilometers) long and is covered with lines called "hash marks" to indicate where players have lost their breakfasts.
On either side of the field are the benches, where the 350 playerswho are not involved in the game sit and wave to their moms.
Behind each benchis a big plastic jug of Gatorade. The object of the game is to be the first team to dump this on the "coach", a very angry man who hates everybody.
The game is divided into four 15-minute quarters, each of which lasts a little over three hours. Timeouts may be called by anybody at any time for any reason,including political unrest in Guatemala.
Between the second and third quarters,there is a halftime musical extravaganza in which Neil Diamond, Toni Tennille,the Muppets and the late Al Hirt join with every human being who has everauditioned for Star Search to perform "A Tribute to Medleys".
The game begins when a small man of foreign extraction kicks the pigskin, or"ball", as far as possible, then wisely scuttles off the field.
The referee then places the ball on an imaginary "line of scrimmage", which is visible only to the referee and his imaginary friend, Mr. Pootywinkle. On either side of this line, the two teams form "huddles", where they decide who will perform the traditional celebratory dance when the upcoming "play" is over.
The "play" itself happens very quickly, so you foreign persons must not blink, or you'll miss it. Here's what happens: 1. A large player called the "center" squats over the ball, and then the"quarterdeck" touches him in a way that would get them both executed in the Middle East. 2. All the players run into each other and fall down. 3. Certain players leap to their feet and perform celebratory dances, while referees add to the festivity by hurling brightly colored flags into the air.
Now comes the heart and soul of football: Watching slow-motion replays of the players falling down.
You'll see this from every possible point of reference, including the Hubble telescope. You'll see so many replays that at some point you'll swear that, in the background, you can see Mr. Pootywinkle.
When the replays are finally over, the referee formally announces that the playdoes not count. Then it's time for eight commercials featuring sport utility vehicles climbing Mount Everest, and it's back to the huddles for more non-stop-action! Yes, foreign persons, football is a complex sport, but you'll find that if you take the time to watch this year's Super Bowl, you will soon discover why everyyear, so many millions of Americans are glued to their television sets. Watching rental videos.

**Being Canadian I found this too good not to share**


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