We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Mur Mur

I have been stuck in a strange dance with my inner self lately. One minute I am confident, tough as nails, staring at the stars, one heartbeat later I feel trapped in my gutter surrounded by gunk and crap. I want to be more upbeat but lately just feel like curling into the fetal position and crying. I don’t know why it is that I feel so lost. I think I am lonely. I love the hub like crazy, but what I miss are things like Sex and the City marathons with my girlfriends, drinking wine and laughing about girl things, a friend for manicures, someone to talk about girl stuff with. I have recently become closer with some girls at my work, but I must say that there really is no substitute for an old friend. (which sounds kinda lame cause if you don’t make friends, then no one can become an old friend right?)

So am trying new things to get out of my funk. Last night I took a belly dancing class at a studio near my house. It made me feel good because cause 1) I was getting exercise, and 2) I was not just sitting at home, watching TV, counting the hours til I could go to bed. However, it also made me feel super duper out of shape as I could hardly touch the ground anymore. So I have decided to go weekly, learn to shake my tummy and booty properly and get back in shape. This is quite a feat for me as I excel in my sloth like behaviour and haven’t done much in the way of exercising in the past 5 years. {Does digging to the bottom of a hard carton of Ben and Jerry’s count?} I keep reading that exercise helps with depression so maybe this is just what I need. I am just tired of feeling blah. 26 is far to young to be tired with my life…I tell you guys, I really think that its this crap job that is doing this to me. I literally feel close to tears on Sunday nights as I am getting into bed knowing that when I wake up it all starts again. I have committed to looking for a new job, something to make me happier. I no longer hold delusions that I will magically find a job where I can be creative, feel fulfilled and have it pay my bills plus and have benefits. To be honest I am still holding on to my favourite backup plan from my youth…I will win the lottery or else the hub will become rich and famous and I can retire and just pursue activities that bring me joy...Well I am happy to see that even though I am confused and blah lately a girl can still dream.


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