We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This and that/Work and life

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For the past two weeks at work we have been doing a really repetitive, tedious work. We are adding custom fields to really long word documents and adding on average 30 hyperlinks in to the document. While yes it is easy it just becomes sort of mind numbing really quickly…and I lose all notion of paying attention and then I start playing online and reading blogs. I think I am going to make a career switch and start looking for employment in the field of blog location and recommendation. I wonder what the starting salary would be for that. I suspect that the powers that be would not be thrilled knowing that I take mini breaks throughout the day to work on my blog posting and to read many others. While it is very beneficial for my mental health, I am sure it’s not awesome for my work productivity. I have been trying to be more positive about my job lately as I have spent a lot of time in the past few years cursing it out to friends and family alike. I have often thought that if I had a job I liked or that was maybe less monotonous, I wouldn’t be searching for outside stimuli for the duration of my 8 hours.

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While I think I seem to be really good at hiding it most of the time, I keep feeling like I am drowning lately and I can’t seem to fix it. I hate being the sad spazzy person and I have been working really hard to be more positive and upbeat to attract more positive things in to my life, but with all the changes I have coming up I just feel like I can’t keep my head above water. It’s scary to feel like I am going crazy all the time. I keep doing my now perfected procrastination routine in the hopes that magically all my shit gets sorted out and I don’t actually have to make any real decisions about anything. My decision to move back to Canada is likely a really selfish one. And I feel like it's hard being selfish when you are married. However a lot of what I have done in the past three years has been in my husband's best interest but it is nothing that I wouldn't do again in a heartbeat. I just feel like I can't explain to him that I am not leaving him I just need to go be by myself, spending some time with my family and getting things sorted out in my mind. For so long I relied on him to make me happy and felt frustrated when he wasn't able. I have figured out though that it is really not his job to make me happy, it is my job to make myself happy. How can I tell him how to help me when I don't even know what I need right now? The whole situation seems really messed up and I feel like no one understands thus making me feel really alone. I hate that I am hurting someone I love so much and I just wish that I could not have to deal with any of this and it would just all some how work out.

1 Comments:

  • 1. I like to think as well that if I had a job that I loved, or at least had a higher interest in, I would also not waste so much time on the internet. (Thank you for introducing me to blogging...lol!!)

    2. All I can say is that I am here for you anytime. If you feel you are being pulled under, just keep trying to doggie paddle your way back up :) Have faith it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

    By Anonymous melissa, At April 24, 2007 2:54 PM  

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