We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Friday, May 18, 2007

Reason #51169 that I am a big Efing idiot

:::
About a year ago my Dad called me at work and left a message. It wasn't anything special, just him telling me that my mum was away over night and he was taking my grandpa out for dinner. It ended with an I love you hunny and nothing more. I had just never got around to erasing that message and after he passed away I was so thankful that I had kept it. I only listened to it once or twice cause I would cry just hearing his voice, but knowing it was on my phone was sort of a security blanket. I knew I could listen to his voice if I wanted. In preparation for my last days of work I was trying to get lose ends tied up. The amazing IT guy here came over to show me how to save it to a wave file...we got it all set up and somehow I have managed to delete the message. Like a sweetie he went back into the system to see if he could save it somehow, but it is gone. And I am in tears at my desk. Mari came over and gave me a huge hug but I can't stop crying and sniffling and I just feel like crap and want to go home. It is one of those things that just makes me so fucking angry that I didn't get around to taking care of it sooner--it just seemed like it didn't matter cause it would always be there. Kind of like how I thought he would. Grieving is just ridiculous. Last night I was so proud of myself cause I was able to watch Golf highlights without dissolving into a puddle, but now I am going to feel like crap for the rest of the day. I just hate that I can be feeling like I am having a great day and then just as suddenly there I go breaking my heart again. ouch.

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2 Comments:

  • I am so sorry that you lost your dad's message. I still have a text message & e-mail saved from my mom - no big deal stuff but the last ones I had from her so I know what you mean. A friend of mine who lost her father a couple years ago told me that the grieving never stops, you'll always miss them - but it does change. Don't ask me how yet because the silliest little things that would make no sense to anyone else bring tears to my eyes at the drop of a hat. Grieve when you need to grieve and how you need to. I hope you are feeling better today.

    By Blogger Rebecca, At May 19, 2007 9:32 PM  

  • Oh, honey. This broke my heart when I heard it in person and again when I read it. :( Big hugs to you, my new friend. xoxoxo

    By Anonymous guinness girl, At May 21, 2007 11:27 PM  

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