Reason #51169 that I am a big Efing idiot

:::

About a year ago my Dad called me at work and left a message. It wasn't anything special, just him telling me that my mum was away over night and he was taking my grandpa out for dinner. It ended with an I love you hunny and nothing more. I had just never got around to erasing that message and after he passed away I was so thankful that I had kept it. I only listened to it once or twice cause I would cry just hearing his voice, but knowing it was on my phone was sort of a security blanket. I knew I could listen to his voice if I wanted. In preparation for my last days of work I was trying to get lose ends tied up. The amazing IT guy here came over to show me how to save it to a wave file...we got it all set up and somehow I have managed to delete the message. Like a sweetie he went back into the system to see if he could save it somehow, but it is gone. And I am in tears at my desk. Mari came over and gave me a huge hug but I can't stop crying and sniffling and I just feel like crap and want to go home. It is one of those things that just makes me so fucking angry that I didn't get around to taking care of it sooner--it just seemed like it didn't matter cause it would always be there. Kind of like how I thought he would. Grieving is just ridiculous. Last night I was so proud of myself cause I was able to watch Golf highlights without dissolving into a puddle, but now I am going to feel like crap for the rest of the day. I just hate that I can be feeling like I am having a great day and then just as suddenly there I go breaking my heart again. ouch.