We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Keep the Faith

When I was young, my Mum took my brothers and I to church most Sundays. It was a really old anglican church and we hated it. We found it boring (except for the christmas pagent) and we didnt like going too much. We moved right before I started highschool, and the first group I fell in with was a churchy crowd. I started going to church with my new friends every sunday, we had youth group once a week and just all around had a good time. As I got a bit older though, I noticed how hypocritical certain members of the churchy clique were. I had met new people, was dealing with my parents divorce and my fathers alcoholism and had started drifting away from those I once held so dear. I felt that they were passing judgement onto me and some of my new friends for decisions that we were making (drinking, smoking cigarettes etc.) and I just didnt feel like I belonged anymore. My new friends were different and I felt like they understood me better. I stopped going to church and decided that all christians were too busy passing judgement on others to worry about being christ-like.

It's been years since I have belonged to a church and lately I have been missing it. Strange things have been calling me back...but I have been trying to reconcile my faith to those things around me, science, newer knowledge, my athiest friends. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I believe, cause for so long I believed what I was told in church...and I know that some where in there, in between what I feel I am supposed to believe and what others tell me to believe is what I feel, what I can identify with. I dont really know how to figure it out...I have a strange sense of guilt sometimes (I should have been Catholic ;) ) about my faith. What I "should" believe. All I know is that right now I have faith. Faith that is getting me through some really tough times in my life. Does it matter what it is I have faith in? Where does one look to figure this out? I have been trying to look inside myself and figure it out, but it's harder than I thought. I cant tell what it is that I think/feel, and what it is that is intruding from the outside. I believe in a higher power. I believe that prayer works...is that enough of a start?


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