10 minute writing exercise part 2

This time we have to spend ten minute editing what we wrote in our first exercise:

I remember shortly after my Dad passed away being sure I was pregnant. I was waiting on a refill with my birth control and how careful were we really? My period had never been late before and it was already two weeks late. As a chronic worrier I was sure that was what it was. My husband pointed out that stress can affect this, but I was sure that wasn’t what it was.

My friend’s mom is a psychic and when I was hurting I called her to ask about my Dad. She asked me if I was pregnant and said if I wasn’t then, I would be soon…I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What a coincidence that I was worried about it and she said it bringing it closer to reality for me. I wondered, with Death comes new life, would that be what was necessary to carry my family through this time of sadness?

For two weeks I waited. Feeling more scared to get the test as I didn’t want to know for sure, I couldn’t handle knowing if it was real. Every day I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to be pregnant. Right now we have a tiny apartment and D doesn’t have a full time job …I do want a baby but not under these circumstances. I remember going to the bathroom every day anxiously awaiting a sign that I was not going to have a baby. I was too scared to tell my Mum, as she was dealing with enough then, what would she think if I was pregnant now too?

Worrying that I was pregnant now while married and in love was different than the times when I was younger that I was concerned…I remember Lisa and I having a “we’re not pregnant” party outside of school one afternoon, we had both been worried. It would have been way worse that time. This time it went back and forth—I want a baby with D, hopefully a little dark haired girl who looks like her mumma…or a little boy who looks like him. I want to relish in my pregnancy, dealing with all the crap together because look we have made a baby. I don’t want it to be like this. But I started to feel sick and wonder if its morning sickness or just mourning sickness.

I took an inconclusive pregnancy test and decided to go see the doctor. During the 40 minutes I was in his waiting room I read every parenting magazine in the office. There was a two week old baby sitting with his mum and I couldn’t stop staring…would that soon be me? His mewing cry startled me…all I could think of was sleepless nights and losing my job. I was called in and had to undress, I peed in a cup as the friendly nurse stuck the test strip in. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. Every possible eventuality passed through my mind. I remember being unsure how to feel when she told me that I wasn’t pregnant; that my period was just extremely late due to stress. I remember being relieved, I know I am not quite ready, but there was another part, big enough for me to take notice that was disappointed. I called my friend Nicole in tears on the way home. It was too many emotions in a short time. I know that one day I will have a baby when I am ready and it will be wonderful, being pregnant while dealing with my grieving wouldn’t have been the special experience I would want to remember it being.

I don’t know that I made this any better with the ten minute editing…