We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

10 minute writing exercise part 2

This time we have to spend ten minute editing what we wrote in our first exercise:

I remember shortly after my Dad passed away being sure I was pregnant. I was waiting on a refill with my birth control and how careful were we really? My period had never been late before and it was already two weeks late. As a chronic worrier I was sure that was what it was. My husband pointed out that stress can affect this, but I was sure that wasn’t what it was.

My friend’s mom is a psychic and when I was hurting I called her to ask about my Dad. She asked me if I was pregnant and said if I wasn’t then, I would be soon…I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What a coincidence that I was worried about it and she said it bringing it closer to reality for me. I wondered, with Death comes new life, would that be what was necessary to carry my family through this time of sadness?

For two weeks I waited. Feeling more scared to get the test as I didn’t want to know for sure, I couldn’t handle knowing if it was real. Every day I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to be pregnant. Right now we have a tiny apartment and D doesn’t have a full time job …I do want a baby but not under these circumstances. I remember going to the bathroom every day anxiously awaiting a sign that I was not going to have a baby. I was too scared to tell my Mum, as she was dealing with enough then, what would she think if I was pregnant now too?

Worrying that I was pregnant now while married and in love was different than the times when I was younger that I was concerned…I remember Lisa and I having a “we’re not pregnant” party outside of school one afternoon, we had both been worried. It would have been way worse that time. This time it went back and forth—I want a baby with D, hopefully a little dark haired girl who looks like her mumma…or a little boy who looks like him. I want to relish in my pregnancy, dealing with all the crap together because look we have made a baby. I don’t want it to be like this. But I started to feel sick and wonder if its morning sickness or just mourning sickness.

I took an inconclusive pregnancy test and decided to go see the doctor. During the 40 minutes I was in his waiting room I read every parenting magazine in the office. There was a two week old baby sitting with his mum and I couldn’t stop staring…would that soon be me? His mewing cry startled me…all I could think of was sleepless nights and losing my job. I was called in and had to undress, I peed in a cup as the friendly nurse stuck the test strip in. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. Every possible eventuality passed through my mind. I remember being unsure how to feel when she told me that I wasn’t pregnant; that my period was just extremely late due to stress. I remember being relieved, I know I am not quite ready, but there was another part, big enough for me to take notice that was disappointed. I called my friend Nicole in tears on the way home. It was too many emotions in a short time. I know that one day I will have a baby when I am ready and it will be wonderful, being pregnant while dealing with my grieving wouldn’t have been the special experience I would want to remember it being.

I don’t know that I made this any better with the ten minute editing…

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2 Comments:

  • yay! i like this one. more clarity. more descrptions and color. thanks for sharing!

    By Anonymous crazedparent, At January 10, 2007 4:01 PM  

  • I couldn't take the pill due to migranes and went through this more than a few times before Stephen and I started trying for a baby. It is such a weird experience knowing that you aren't ready for a baby (for MANY reasons) yet feeling strangely excited that one may be forming inside of you at that very moment... And then the disappointment, almost despair, when you discover that you aren't.

    Just so you know, the wait is worth it. Having a baby no matter what the circumstances is miraculous. Having a baby when the time is right goes beyond that.

    By Anonymous Tara, At January 12, 2007 5:25 PM  

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