We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

10 minute writing exercise

I did my first 10 minute writing exercise today so I thought I would post it. It was from www.crazedparent.org The exercise was to start with "I remember"

I remember after my Dad died thinking I was pregnant. I was waiting on a refill with my birth control and how careful were we really? My friend’s mom is a psychic and when I was hurting I called her to ask about my Dad. She asked me if I was pregnant cause she thought if I wasn’t then, I would be soon…I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With Death comes new life, would that be what was necessary to carry my family through this time of sadness? Every day I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to be pregnant. Right now we have a tiny apartment and D doesn’t have a full time job and is trying to go back to school…I do want a baby but could it wait until it would be more of a blessing. I remember going to the bathroom every day anxiously awaiting my period. I was too scared to tell my Mum, she was dealing with enough then, what would she think if I was pregnant now too. Worrying that I was pregnant now while married and in love was different than the time in high school I worried too…I knew he wasn’t the right guy so that would have just been awful. This time it went back and forth—I want a baby with D, hopefully a little dark haired girl who looks like her mumma…or a little boy who looks like him. I want to relish in my pregnancy, dealing with all the crap together because look we have made something together. I don’t want it to be like this. But I start to feel sick and wonder if its morning sickness or just mourning sickness. I took an inconclusive pregnancy test and decided to go see the doctor. The 40 minutes I spent in his waiting room I read every parenting magazine that was in there. There was a two week old baby sitting with his mum and I couldn’t stop staring…would that soon be me. I was called in and had to undress, I peed in a cup and she stuck the test strip in. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I remember being unsure how to feel when she told me that I wasn’t pregnant. That my period was just really really late due to stress. I remember a huge part of me being relieved, I know I am not quite ready, but there was another part, big enough for me to take notice that was disappointed. I called my friend Nicole in tears on the way home. It was too many emotions in a short time. I know that one day I will have a baby when I am ready and it will be wonderful, being pregnant while dealing with my grieving wouldn’t have been the special experience I would want to remember it being.



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