5 months

This Sunday it will be 5 months since my Dad died. As each month passes I get more and more worried that I am forgetting things. My mum said that all the clothes in his closet don't smell like him anymore. I am terrified to forget what that smell is. I sometimes am already straining to remember his laugh, and I am so scared that I will wake up one morning and it will be gone. Things in my life have been really stressful lately and I just wish I could call him up and have him listen to me. He always had a half laugh chuckle as he said "oh sweetheart" as I divulged all the crap that was weighing me down. I think I still keep getting hit with the finality of it all--every now and then I just think "ok, I have had enough you need to come back now" and it is as if I am opening a fresh wound as it comes back that forever means no more. I don't know why I thought that I would some how be over this by now--even as I am writing this my eyes are getting hot and the screen is blurring.

I try to just think of fun memories so that I can smile when I think of him instead of cry:

--him watching sports on Sundays just for the Eagles and the Bills scores so he could call D and my brothers to discuss the games with them. He didn't really even care about football he was a golf man.

--him buying me a Hilary Radley coat the first year we were a family as he was complete appalled that I was planning on wearing my ski coat over my dress to my high school winter formal.

--how he asked my brothers and I individually for our permission to propose to our Mum.

--how he never once said a bad word against my real father.

--how he would get so choked up with emotion when we did the smallest things for him.

--how he made sure my best friend had snow tires for her car cause that was SO important to him.

ok, at least I am smiling now.