We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Thursday, October 26, 2006

my week

I am a dreamer—a cheese ball romantic dreamer. As such I tend to lend myself often up to disappointment as I get WAY too excited about something, plan it out in my head, and inevitably end up disappointed. I am very pleased to report that Monday night was the exception.

I came home from work to find this in my living room :

Hub found these chairs while we were in Canada for my Dad's funeral. He knew that I would love them so much (which I do cause they are so freaking cute) so he managed to cram them in the back of the car and drive back to Philadelphia with them. He also set up the little end table we have for a romantic little dinner of crab cakes and amazing dessert from Di Bruno brothers. SUCH an exciting and unexpected evening. Also last night I came home and he had cleaned out our little den room (its considered a half bedroom I think..tiny wee room) but we had managed to jam it full of crap and he magically made it look spic and span. I am SO happy about that. It's scary that he has become so much cleaner than me. When we first met his place was a dump!

I dont know if it can be seen in the above photo but the left window ledge is the start of our 'Eagles' themed fall decorations. What you can't see are the 8 jerseys hanging on the wall behind our TV. We are true Eagles fans. Hub is in his blood, I just am through marriage!

Week at a glance: Tonight I am going to hear Frank Warren (from www.postsecret.com fame) read at Barnes and Nobles. I am pretty addicted to those secrets and I can't wait to hear him talk about his favourite secrets etc. Should be interesting. Tomorrow night is my friend Christine's birthday celebration so we are going out to Mad for Mex for happy hour. I love happy hour. I don't go out often enough but man I love drinking after work. I am a bit hesitant to go there though cause last time Hub's brother was in town we went there for drinks. And more drinks. And some how I convinced myself that I wanted to smoke a lot of cigarettes. And eat Nachos. I barfed all over my shoes in the underground parking garage at our apartment building that night. not fun. Saturday is Halloween going out night for us. I have been planning on going as something 80s, but as per usual my costume has been left to the last minute (NOTORIOUS procrastinator) My girlfriend Caitlin from Ontario is stopping in Philly for the night on her way to North Carolina, so we will have to have some good times cause she is moving to Caracas to teach English. Sunday I have a babyshower at 11:30, then going to visit my cousins and their baby and then to Alan's parents for the annual pumpkin carving event. BUSY week, I rarely have this many plans in a month!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Two years down, forever to go

Today is my two year anniversary. I can't believe that much time has passed; I feel like so much and nothing has happened in that time. Not sure if it makes sense. We marked the occasion with a trip down to Bethany Beach Delaware for the weekend. Just hung out, ate a plethora of seafood (crab legs) and snuggled and watched When Harry Met Sally (my fave movie he surprised me by bringing down. All in all good times.

Thursday night we played Quizzo at Fergies (see www.quizzo.com for further details) we didn't win, but we didn't come in last so that's a plus. I got all excited by a recipe on the back of the Malt vinegar bottle so I carefully peeled it off so I could try it. This is it:

Peachy Chicken

Drain 1 can (16 ounces) peaches, reserving liquid; set aside. In large skillet, brown 2-1/2 lbs skinned chicken pieces in 1Tablespoon vegetable oil. Combine reserved peach liquid ¼ cup frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed, ¼ cup Heinz malt vinegar, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, 1 teaspoon basil leaves, ½ teaspoon salt, ¼ EACH ground cloves and cinnamon, 1/8 teaspoon pepper, pour over chicken. Cover and simmer for 25-30 mins or until chicken is cooked. Add peaches, heat. Combine 2 tablespoons EACH cornstarch and water, stir into sauce. Heat stirring until sauce is thickened. Serve chicken and sauce with rice. Makes 4-5 servings.

I have no idea if it's any good, it just sounded intriguing...and going with my cooking is fun theme from lately I thought I might try it.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Things I like about this morning:
-Hub had to work same time as me close to my office so we got up together, he made me breakfast and we walked to work together
-Hub is working a gum promotion so I got a pile of free gum
-still basking in the post-successful Meatloaf glow

Things I don’t like about this morning:
-the button (that has been hanging by a thread all summer) on my pants just fell off in the bathroom, this is a two-fold not liking situation 1) it touched the office bathroom floor and 2)now my pants are sort of falling down
-my coworker who is supposed to be helping me with this project is working from home today. This normally wouldn’t be an issue but when he “works from home” he does things like grocery shopping and errand running. Which leaves me kinda stranded in the help department.

Things I like about this afternoon:
-Went to the GAP at lunch and the cute little sweater vest that I had been eyeing up that was $38 last week was on sale for $19! Although its in a L and I could have done with a M I think I am gona make this work cause its so freaking cute. Just will wear over top of a white button up shirt
-Following the GAP I headed to Subway. Ordered a 6” turkey sandwich. Apparently on Wednesdays they have a special on turkey sammies…was only $2.49! YAY

Things I don’t like about this afternoon:
-So far, nothing J

Things I hate--"making copies" for 2 hours...bah

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Wet Dog and the rest of my life

Last week the bathroom on the floor above us at work flooded. (gross) Flooded all down the walls of my office (double gross) So last week we had to deal with loud fans blowing all over the place to try to sop up some of the water. I am not sure how well it worked cause this week the entire place smells like wet golden retriever. (my grandparents used to own one so I can speak on some authority here) It's foul. To make up for such disgusting work environment the building management provided us with continental breakfast. I personally don't feel like muffins and fake OJ make up for wet dog smell. The elevators even reek...and some thoughtful person keeps liberally spraying 'Polo' by Ralph Lauren. So I have been practicing holding my breath a few times a day for 12 floors. I figure this can just be some new form of survival training.
The Hub is working late tonight so I thought I would try to be kickass wife-type and make his favourite meatloaf (father-in-laws recipe) as a treat for dinner. I emailed said FIL for recipe and this is what he sent back :Ground Sirloin, One Egg, salt & pepper, breadcrumbs, onion soup mix, Worcestershire sauce ( a teaspoon).Combine ingredients , Mold into a meatloaf. I don't know why but I feel like that was the cutest recipe I have ever seen. I have no idea how much of anything, but the end result is to stick it into meatloaf formation. So pray for me as I venture into this (Semi)unknown world of cooking. my friend Liz attempted Meatloaf earlier this week and told me it came out more like MeatLOAD. They had to send out for pizza. I was hoping that meatloaf was foolproof, we shall soon see.
I have been pretty depressed lately. I am surprised by the amount of random things that I see and hear about that remind me of my Dad. Almost lost it watching a commercial for golf on ESPN--I never knew Vijay Singh could get to me so much! There are so many little things that I took for granted I would just talk to my Dad about another time. The finality of death is just so sombering and shitty. Again, try to think of the blessings, but sometimes its easier to just be selfish and angry. I didn't realize what crazy things that grief can do to your body (and mind) I have more zits than I ever have had in my life, I have to force myself to shower cause I am feeling so lazy, and I had convinced myself I was pregnant. Yeesh. Hub is helping as much as he can but really what can he do? He has gotten really good at knowing just when I need a hug and at making the perfect cup of tea, and telling me that I am going to get a little bit ripe if I don't hop in the shower asap. I just feel really helpless sometimes now and it's so nice to have someone to just take charge for a bit.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Something new every day...

non sequitur/[non sek-wi-ter, -toor; Lat. nohn se-kwi-toor]
1.Logic. an inference or a conclusion that does not follow from the premises.
2.a statement containing an illogical conclusion.

--I was going to name my post today non sequitur cause I had a bunch of random things I have been writing about, but I guess this word means something different than I have thought. I thought it more had to do with talking about things and then talking about something else that had nothing to do with the first thing. I guess I was close but not quite on. So here was what I was working on before I decided to check out dictionary.com

So far this week I have discovered some new loves…
1) Google Calendar. It is freaking awesome. I cannot fully describe its awesomeness so I advise you to check it out. I just spent the past two hours at work setting it up and adding which other calendars to view and sharing mutual friend’s birthdays with others. Good times.

2) Ambien CR—due to the recent stressors in my life I have been having a hard time sleeping. Hub called my doctor and had her call in a prescription for Ambien. I have had some of the best sleeps. It’s funny though cause if you take it and try to stay awake you start hallucinating! So I take it and just get right into bed. I have an amazing sleep and then wake up without feeling groggy. Awesome. I can see how it could be habit forming, cause its amazing, but I am only using it

Am also making a new rule—there is this disgusting draw I have to Mcdonalds. I do NOT know where it comes from, but the longer I go without it the less intense it is, but like a drug addict there are still those days when that is all that will satisfy me. So I have decided that the ONLY thing I can get from there is a cheeseburger. If I want a Big Mac I will just have to get Big Mac sauce on the cheeseburger. Cause today I decided I needed the extra 51g of fat and I got a quarterpounder. Now I feel like my stomach is in revolt and I hate feeling like a large mammal for eating so much. mur.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Random Blessings

I have been having a go of things lately just letting myself be depressed and loll (is that a word?) around my apartment. Hub is trying his best to perk me up but I am just kind of feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I made a go of it this weekend though and worked a Jameson promotion on Saturday night to get me out of the house. I actually organized some of our apartment (I can't believe it either) And feeling truly domestic, I woke up on Sunday and decided to cook some food for the gang coming over to watch football. My good friend Alan bought me a copy of The Joy of Cooking as a birthday present and I decided to make something from it. Thai Chicken and Coconut soup! Apparently it isn't an easy first soup to make...but I did it. I forgot to get Lemon Grass and I bought Parsley instead of Coriander but it turned out really good anyway. So, I have decided that cooking makes me feel like a "woman" yeah yeah I know that is lame, but my Mum was always such a good cook and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment when I create something edible. So I have decided to keep peeking in my recipe books and make one new thing a week. If anyone has any diabetic recipes or anything that isn't too complicated for a new cook--pass them along!
Another blessing came right up to me and bit me this morning. Well more so called me on my cellphone while I was brushing my teeth. The Indigo Girls are playing in Philadelphia tonight and my friend Christine has an extra ticket. So I am going to go, and listen to some folksy lesbian music for a few hours. I used to LOVE them in high school so this will just bring back some really nice safe feelings for me tonight which I am excited about. It will be good to get out of the house and not mope, plus it will give the Hub a chance to recharge and not have to worry about trying to make me feel better for a few hours :) Now if I can just get through work... ;)

Friday, October 06, 2006

a small annoyance

There is a woman in my office, who despite all my best efforts I can't STAND. She is rude, always interrupting into conversations and then steering them away from what people were talking about. She is a close talker, she takes forever to get her work done and then always complains about how much she has to do...makes me (and all my other coworkers nuts) But she has started a new "thing" which is making working in a cubicle near her even worse! She is now continually on the phone--and she talks about certain things really loud in the hopes that we will question her about them. AHHHHH. She was just on the phone for about 20 mins to someone and she kept saying things that didnt need to be said. Over and Over. Apparently whom ever she was talking to just got back from Iraq, and is having a hard time getting his benefits, but blah blah blah. It just reminds me of those kids in highschool who used to talk really loudly about getting stoned or drunk or having sex in the hopes that someone would overhear and deem them cool. I guess part of her strategy is working cause I have been listening to her talk, but I really don't give half a shit about her friend nor will I inquire as to what she is talking about. There is office cell phone ettiquette and it doesn't involve yaking and yaking while people are trying to work (or in my case blog)

Am happy we get a long weekend this week. Its not the same as Canadian Thanksgiving, but it sure is nice to have one more day at home. No big plans, Hubs brother is home for a bit from South America so I am assuming there will be some serious Eagles watching come Sunday...its against Dallas (I actually don't care that much but tis fun to watch them get all worked up)

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I recently self diagnosed myself with Adult ADD, so I tried a friends Ritalin today and I really feel like it helped. Could totally be psychosomatic that I feel like it's working...but who knows? I am actually going to see a real doctor about this on Monday. Even prior to losing my Dad I have had a hard time concentrating and I can't follow through on one task. I start cleaning my room, which leads to me throwing out the garbage that was up there, which leads me to get a new garbage bag from the kitchen so I start doing dishes...and so on and so on until I have about 10 unfinished cleaning projects around the house. Makes me nuts and makes the hub wonder what I am doing! The long and short of this is that today was very productive at work...(said as I am typing a blog at work...dur) I am hoping that I can keep up this positive energy for when I get home tonight so I can attempt to tackle my side of the bedroom...I really want to use all this energy I have for something good (like cleaning and being organized) rather than for moping and feeling like crap!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Mourning sickness

Today is one month since my Dad died. I have been writing blog entries in my head since I found out…somehow I feel like if I put something on paper properly it will help me understand, help me heal. That really is a load of crap. As I am sure everyone else who has lost a parent knows, there just is no sense to be made really.
As I was gearing up to enjoy my friend’s housewarming party on
Labour Day, my Dad was having a heart attack at our local hospital. I feel somehow guilty that I was off having fun and drinking Sangria's as he was dying..As I was leaving for the party I called my parents house and not getting anyone left a message “Hey call me back with Dad’s number at the hospital, I haven’t spoken to him this weekend, hope everyone is having a good one etc.” My brother and I have since figured out that the reason no one answered my call was because he and my Mum had been summoned back to the hospital—being told that my Dad wasn’t doing that well. He has been in the hospital so many times in the past ten years it has become a family joke. I mentioned it in my speech at my wedding, as he had missed my university graduation because he was in the hospital getting his knee fixed, and helping mum and I move as he was getting his hip done. We joked that it was on purpose. Him wrecking himself to avoid family functions. This was the one time he was in hospital that I wasn’t worried about him. His kidney was doing well and he was going to start dialysis two weeks later. He had bumped his leg and it was all swollen so the doctor wanted him in the hospital to try to make the swelling go down. His body, having been poisoned for years with anti-rejection drugs, just couldn’t keep going any longer. And he had a massive heart attack.

This was just such a shock, and even as I write this I am almost distancing myself, thinking “this isn’t really real, he is just at home or at work”. The finality hasn’t sunk in yet, and I am terrified for that to come. I just miss him so much and I can't believe that he is gone. I am feeling a lot more spiritual in the past month. I am seeing things realizing how much he would have enjoyed them and taking them as signs from him. I am mad, not at him for leaving, but just that he is gone. I wanted him to get to be a grandpa, to be healthier and able to come to Philadelphia to visit me, to just be.

For the first few days after it happenned I kept waiting for him to come to me in a dream, tell me he was ok. I don't know why I thought that. Last night was the first time I dreamed of him, but I don't remember what he said to me. I have been spending all morning trying to remember. He was sitting on a bench, talking to me. I am trying to think of blessings like knowing he didn't suffer and he wasn't sick wasting away and that he knew how much my Mum, brothers and I love him...but still I can't be thankful yet, I can only be angry.