We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Is 25 almost 26 too old

to run away and join the circus? I feel like I am turning in to a wackadoo in my everyday life and maybe some highflying trapeeze act might turn things around...just a thought.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Dear Random Bug

Dear Random Bug,

Hello, you have been having a bit of a feast on my right leg this weekend and we need to talk. I think it is tres rude to just start chomping on someone before you make their acquaintance...I didn't even know you were living in my apartment...what gives? When did you move in? And most importantly what/where are you? The enormous welts on my leg are unsightly and itchy. This a pain in the ass as it is summer time and i want to bare my albino legs to the world and you have just made this all the more difficult. Also, as much as I hate mosquitos, I hate spiders and various other bugs more. So if you aren't going to make your presence known, maybe you can just leave some more indication of what kind of bug you are. Also you are more than welcome to move along to a new residence because if I find you I am going to have the Hub squish you.



Friday, June 23, 2006


Don’t know what’s up with me but I feel really anxious about going out lately. I really feel like a super lame homebody but all I want to do is stay home. I don’t like going out anymore. I don’t know why. I just feel like I want do go out and do new things, but we always do similar things. I guess it’s my fault because I sold my/our car, but I just wish we did things, we don’t really do things. I want to go out to comedy clubs and try to explore the city more, but we just don’t. Tonight we are going to an outdoor concert and there is supposed to be torrential downpours. Freaking blah. But I was the one who wanted to see Def Leppard and Journey so I guess it’s my fault. After the concert we have to go to some super smoky bar to watch our friends band play (which we will likely miss cause of the other concert) and then hang out as our other friend is moving out west this weekend. I just feel really anxious in a pile of these people I don’t know why. Its here that I wish I had just one friend that was just mine. Cause Hub spends a stupid amount of time with me so when we are out with his friends he gets all excited and wants to go talk to them but somehow I end up getting left behind in the shuffle and I don’t know why. It’s not his fault, he always leaves me talking with someone but then they inevitably leave to go catch up with someone else and then I get that awful panicky feeling in my stomach that I am standing there alone. And so many times I just want to leave and go home but it’s not the right thing to do…I don’t know why that is. I wonder if I would still be feeling the same if we were surrounded by my friends…

Don't I just sound insanely negative and boring!? Sheesh

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A tale of my father(s)

G turned 65 in March. He is a man who is near impossible to buy for. He doesn’t read—so no books, doesn’t like to watch movies—no DVDs, he doesn’t have any hobbies so none of the usual easy gifts ever work. He is a man who appreciates the thoughtfulness of a well worded card, or a random present, noticed in passing that he might enjoy. Nine years of birthdays, fathers days and Christmases has left me drained in the search for something to bring a smile to his face. This year I had the best idea. I wanted to have him adopt me. (now there is a gift you just can’t top right?) He has no kids biologically, but he stepped up to the plate ten years ago with my two brothers and me. He went from an immaculately tidy house to moving in with my Mum, the boys and I (bit of a change). He learned that it’s sometimes ok to hang your coat on the banister, and to pay closer attention when he comes home so he doesn’t trip over countless pairs of my shoes at the front door. My brothers and I watched with curious amusement at the growth of the relationship between him and my mother. Who was this strange man who showered in the dark and never wore socks? Who warned us never to drink pop right from the can and enjoyed drinking just plain hot water. Before he moved in with us he had central vac installed for my Mum as a surprise because he wanted to make her smile and to make vacuuming easier. When he saw how bad my youngest brother and I got allergies he had air conditioning installed so we could sleep easier during the summer months. He always had $20 to slip me to put in my gas tank…and there was nothing he ever asked for in return. He was the man who would become my father. He never once made me feel like we were a pain, or a burden…that he put up with us just because he loved my mother. In no time at all he was the man I looked up to as my male role model, the way I saw how relationships were supposed to be between two grownups who loved each other. He always listened to me even when I didn’t realize I was saying anything. He loved me unconditionally even during my awful late teenage rebellion years. I would hear him referring to me as “his daughter” to business associates and friends…how did I get to be so lucky? As the idea of him adopting me started out as more of a gift for him, it’s become such a gift for me as well. He has been my Dad for several years now, but the idea of making it “official” just really gives me a great sense of joy and peace.

My relationship with my biological father has fallen to a place that I don’t think can be repaired. Alcohol was more important to him that his family and I have lost him to that. He was never there for me during my formative years and I feel like I never really knew him. He still blames my Mum and everyone else I care about for his troubles instead of himself. He could have got help, he could have tried to stop drinking, he could have supported his 3 children once he was divorced but he never did. He is stuck in a place ten years ago still holding on to the hurt and anger and never moving forward. I wanted to try to have some form of civil relationship with him, but it just wasn’t possible. I don’t want to be put in a position of dealing with his manipulations any more. I am stronger, but a large part of that is because he isn’t in my life. Sometimes that is very difficult for me as my husband has never met him nor have many of the other important people in my life. When you are a child you never think that someone who should be such a large part of your life can be completely vacant from it. This is another reason that I want to be adopted; I want the fact that he is my father to have no power over me anymore. Maybe one day he can be in my life again, but it won’t be in the same position to destroy me as before. I also want the man who DESERVES the credit of being my father to be recognized by the government and whomever else as that.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

some stuff

Ironing: Why are mens dress shirts so hard to iron? I tried to be all cool and wife-like and get Hubs shirt all ready for him for a wedding this Saturday but I was having a hard time. I will admit to not ironing all that often, but I thought I could handle it. Not so. I was ironing more wrinkles into the shirt then were in there originally! Mur. Needless to say I busted out my trusty wrinkle releaser spray and went to town. It was an improvement, but does anyone have a tip on how to better iron boy shirts?

An update on the bug situation in our apt: Last night I was minding my own business up in our room when I noticed something odd looking on the floor…upon closer inspection it was discovered that a 2” long cockroach was just chilling on the floor. (*insert barf face here*) Hub the bug slayer bravely came upstairs and squished it with his sneaker. I love that man.

Work update: My boss called us all into the war room (our lame name for the big empty office in our dept) and announced to us all that she has resigned. Her last day is in a month. I am not sure how I feel about it as I have been bitching about her managerial skills for the past few months (at least) but I got to thinking, ‘what if the next person is worse?!’ or what if I lose my job. I am realizing that it’s not as easy to find a job as my naïve self had previously thought. I think it will be a good thing for this department as I won’t be in as big of a hurry to leave if things work out with a better boss. I know I am always complaining about work, but maybe with a different manager I might care more…

Busy Busy: Last night we went and watched the Phillies beat the Yankees (finally man!) As much as I am not a sports fan, I do enjoy being out in the nice weather with the family. And I got to have an exciting discussion with my mother in law about the prices of MAC makeup brushes during some slow innings…Tonight is Bruce Springsteen (I TOTALLY love him, sooo sexy with a super hot awesome voice) and then Friday is Journey/Def Leopard. Yeee haw talk about the fun week.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Brief Streams of consciousness

Every time I walk past a For Sale sign I get butterflies in my stomach homeownership is just out of my grasp for now but I can still look and daydream of the day when something little will be ours we can paint and not worry about redoing it when the lease is up there could be a dog or really just whatever I want maybe a garden gnome everyone needs one of those don’t they

My mind cannot stand still from the hours of 8 to 5 never resting never lingering it just goes and goes thus making for a difficult work environment this is new for me is it adult ADD or just that I cannot stand working here any longer that my brains defense mechanism is to block it out with as much external stimuli as possible

Last night I went for 1 drink with hub and his coworkers which lead to more than 1 drink as if often does we played quizzo and just were not able to win any of the rounds but I got a few answers right which made me happy through a wine induced fog my useless trivia knowledge comes in to play 10:30 walking home from Irish Pub a woman ran past wearing a blue bridesmaid dress and Nikes running running running how strange several feet up more and more people run past in snazzy outfits tuxes suits prom dresses running running running through Rittenhouse and I wish that I was a part of that cause it looked fun drunkenly cheering them on was the way to do my part Nice Skirt was yelled to a man in a kilt Hub laughed but the man thanked me as he jogged past on to Rittenhouse market as I was on a quest for ice cream now alas Ben and Jerry’s mint cookie was not to be found, but some chunky monkey was enjoyed falling asleep while cheering a tivoed soccer game for victory to England

Monday, June 12, 2006

Every time...

Every time I start feeling excited and hopeful about my life heading in the right direction I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me and I am back at square one. Several things started happenning last week that lead me to beloeve that something great was on the horizon. Then Monday rolls around as it tends to do bringing a tide of disatisfaction and unhappiness. One of these things was talk of homeownership, and it seems like once again I will have to do all the leg work and figure things out myself. I just hate that "if you want it done you must do it yourself" is sometimes applicable. I know its not fair, but I want to be able to be excited about more things sometimes and I know that other people have their own problems, but why cant they see that this is the here and now. Everyone has screwed up at some point in their lives, but dwelling on the past eternally doesnt get anyone any closer to where they want to be. Urgh.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Home for a rest

Went to Canada for Memorial day and while procrastinating at lunch today finally got around to uploading my pics! Liz and I had a photo date that consisted of driving around in her sweet ride, watching the sunset, taking many pictures, followed by dinner at East Side Marios. What could be better I ask you? Aside from getting the worst allergies in two years I had a nice time at home. There is something so relaxing about just hanging out and having my Mum take care of me. Work has been going down the toilet, and I so needed a rest. Waking up Saturday morning to buttermilk pancakes and strawberries really did it for me. I missed the Hub, but it was nice to be home! I shouldn't call it home cause Philly is home now...is it possible to have two "homes"?The pic I posted is of a sunset over Georgian Bay. It makes me feel Home Sweet Home.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


My heart is hurting right now and I feel all out of sorts. I will admit to being one of those foolish naive people who thought that they were safe. Well at least that my home country was safe. I guess deep down I always knew that with all the crazy shit going on in the world as of late that no where was safe really, but when i read the Toronto Star on Saturday and saw that 17 people, fellow Canadians, were arrested for a terror plot I couldn't breathe. More bomb making material than was used in Oklahoma was to be used at the Sky dome, the TTC, the CN tower... My false sense of security has been taken and the only place that I thought would be safe is no longer. I know it was foolish to think that Ontario would be safe from such violence, but I really did. And I just dont know how I feel anymore; sick, scared, worried. Why do we have to live this way? It is just totally crazy. ouch.

Friday, June 02, 2006

17th and Sansom

Every morning his dark weathered face smiles at me
Missing teeth
"Good morning beautiful, God loves you"
His daily refrain
Selling umbrellas at the corner
Thankless job
Pretty girls break up the monotony

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I am a Human Pretzel

MK and I went to our first yoga class yesterday after work. The beginning was amazing, I actually felt myself relaxing and letting go, but as we started on some of our sun salutations things changed. I had to rent a mat as I didn’t own one and as my face got closer to the mat I realized that it stunk. (other peoples Yoga sweat ewwww) And I also realized how much one does sweat in this class so since they only wash them three times a week I was likely pretty gross. I was nervous getting out of bed this morning about how badly my muscles would be aching, but I’ll admit, I am pleasantly surprised. They are sore, but not killing as badly as when I did the belly dancing class. I actually feel really good—I am even looking forward to going again! The only trouble I had was with my allergies those cleansing breaths were impossible. My nose was so blocked when I was in most of the positions I had to mouth breathe! But I am sure it didn’t make a real difference. And I am attributing my Yogaing to my new self control that I uncovered this afternoon…I was heading to the vending machine for some cookies when I said “I don’t really need a cookie” and just came back to my desk. That is unheard of! (well for me at least) With how anxious and spazzy I get I think learning how to relax while getting some good exercise in will be perfect for me.