My Life

I left my house this morning feeling tres sexy. I am wearing an adorable pair of long short thingies and a very cute top. YAY ME! I arrived at work feeling like stargazer again, I noticed that my self tanner cream that promises no streaks has indeed streaked and my "look at me world I am in shorts" legs are several different shades between albino white and an off orange--lovely. Also have blisters on both feet from wearing sandals--another sure sign of spring. Why is this my life? Have decided to try to feel cute for the rest of the day cause hey, why not. Starting the day off heading to Wawa with the work girls for coffee-->at least they will chuckle with me.

Mur Mur

I have been stuck in a strange dance with my inner self lately. One minute I am confident, tough as nails, staring at the stars, one heartbeat later I feel trapped in my gutter surrounded by gunk and crap. I want to be more upbeat but lately just feel like curling into the fetal position and crying. I don’t know why it is that I feel so lost. I think I am lonely. I love the hub like crazy, but what I miss are things like Sex and the City marathons with my girlfriends, drinking wine and laughing about girl things, a friend for manicures, someone to talk about girl stuff with. I have recently become closer with some girls at my work, but I must say that there really is no substitute for an old friend. (which sounds kinda lame cause if you don’t make friends, then no one can become an old friend right?)

So am trying new things to get out of my funk. Last night I took a belly dancing class at a studio near my house. It made me feel good because cause 1) I was getting exercise, and 2) I was not just sitting at home, watching TV, counting the hours til I could go to bed. However, it also made me feel super duper out of shape as I could hardly touch the ground anymore. So I have decided to go weekly, learn to shake my tummy and booty properly and get back in shape. This is quite a feat for me as I excel in my sloth like behaviour and haven’t done much in the way of exercising in the past 5 years. {Does digging to the bottom of a hard carton of Ben and Jerry’s count?} I keep reading that exercise helps with depression so maybe this is just what I need. I am just tired of feeling blah. 26 is far to young to be tired with my life…I tell you guys, I really think that its this crap job that is doing this to me. I literally feel close to tears on Sunday nights as I am getting into bed knowing that when I wake up it all starts again. I have committed to looking for a new job, something to make me happier. I no longer hold delusions that I will magically find a job where I can be creative, feel fulfilled and have it pay my bills plus and have benefits. To be honest I am still holding on to my favourite backup plan from my youth…I will win the lottery or else the hub will become rich and famous and I can retire and just pursue activities that bring me joy...Well I am happy to see that even though I am confused and blah lately a girl can still dream.

After weeks of indecision and confusion at my job and in my life…something just changed. I don’t know what it is. But I just came back from the bathroom with renewed hope and strange determination/confidence. Nothing noteworthy took place in said bathroom, but I have just sat back at my desk with resolve and poise. I am Stargazer! I can do this. I have been so trapped in a fog of depression and discontent lately that it is strangely invigorating to feel this way again. What broke through this fog? I do not know…maybe it is the promise of renewal and hope that comes with spring? Ok that’s pretty cheesy I will be the first to admit it. But something has happened today, something I have been hoping for, for a long time. I just wanted to feel good again, happy, not so remarkably plain and stuck. Maybe this is the start of something, if not grand then at least good.

Dream interpretations...coming true?

Ok, so on Monday night I had a gross dream about cockroaches. sick right? Tuesday morning Hub calls me at work to tell me he killed a cockroach in our bedroom...double sick. Prior to hearing that there were real cockroaches, I checked out a dream interpretation website that said that dreaming of cockroaches and various other bugs has to do with anxiety in your life/job, not being happy..ding ding! not happy with job table of one right here....so last night I had a dream that all my teeth were falling out. all were loose and I kept playing with them like when youre a kid and you twist them around and around just waiting for them to fall out...but I digress. So this morning I checked the same dream site and it told me that those dreams can relate to money (ie. as a kid a loose tooth means moolah from the toothfairy) And I have now interpreted this dream to mean that I am going to win the lotto tonight...will be writing further posts from my sweet ass cabana in Hawaii or something. Just hoping that not like the roach dream that a tooth will actually fall out...sheesh.

The lost art of the Eskimo kiss

During week one of dating bliss with the hub (before he was the hub) the worst thing I could imagine occured--the appearance of the dreaded cold sore. Thats right I have mouth herpes, who lay dormant for months and months at a time until something awesome happens like the first weekend after starting dating a hottie. There is nothing on the planet that makes me feel less sexy than having a disgusting blister on my otherwise sassy lips. I didn't even want to go over to his apartment after work for I felt that I hadn't known me long enough to let my awesome beauty surpass this temporary disfigurement. But, I was addicted...to his smile, to being in his presence so I went anyway. After shying away from our greeting kiss I explained the situation, and hub went straight to the computer. As I sat alone on the couch I thought that maybe he was grossed out and didnt want to hang out (yes am a drama queen) After ten minutes I inquired about what he was doing "I am just looking online to see if there is anyway I can kiss you" I think my heart melted at that exact moment. He soon realized that there was no way around it without risk to himself...so instead he came and sat next to me, and proceeded to eskimo kiss me :) I dont think I have done that in years...my Mum used to do that when tucking me in as a kid, but I had never done it with a boy....If you havent tried it lately bust it out, its really fun to do and kinda silly.

And today is the start of the NAACP tournament...

The poor hub. He must have known when he married me that I never have been a sporty kind of girl. I would have told you years ago that I would rather get my legs waxed than watch any sort of sports on television. I would love to watch my friends play hockey or even revel in the action at an arena/baseball stadium, but watching it on TV? And basketball for sure...definately NOT. Now when I got married I could see what I was getting myself into. My husband bleeds green for the Philadelphia Eagles and their loss in the superbowl last year damn near killed him..have you seen someone you love near death from sports team induced heartbreak? There was nothing I could do to cheer him up, poor kid. But this, this is something I never ever knew to expect. In Canada, where Stargazer hails from, there is no such thing as college sports. Sure kids in college play sports, but no one aside from parents and adoring girlfriends care. In the good old US of A, College sports and more specifically college basketball has a huge following. (if you are reading this and youre from the states this is a totally redundant statement)

The hub's eyes light up at the mention of March Madness and Villanova the way mine do about Christmas and Loehmanns. So I decided that I can do this. I can learn about something that is so important to him, as he is supportive about taking me shopping and listening to me talk about shoes etc...so I try. I watch Villanova with hub and FIL (father in law) all season long. I am about to die of heart palpitations as I watch FIL pace back and forth in front of the TV cheering on his guys. If I tune out for a minute I will be jarred back to the game by the hub screaming "come on Nardi" and going on and on about how Allen Ray wasnt on some list that Dick Vitale made. (I get lost in the details there). They both know EVERYTHING about Villanova and more that I can possibly imagine about all the other teams out there. We watch a fair amount of SportsCenter (which is a fair trade off for my weekly fixes of The OC and so on) and I have been learning more and more about all the different teams and what the Big East tournament is. I do have to share my crowning achievement with all of you tho. Just when I started feeling really good about myself and how much I have learned about sports, I tried to impress hub with my knowledge. As he was explaining to me about what comes after the Big East tournament (which nova lost..booo!) I proudly interjected "yes hunny I know its the NAACP tournament" He gazed upon me with a look of such love and caring, before laughing to himself..."oh hunny, I am sure that the national association for the advancement of coloured people would be so happy to hear you say that". What?! A girl can get confused with all these abbreviations getting thrown around! While I have come along way in my sports understanding and appreciation, this just goes to show that maybe I haven't changed that much after all...

Stargazer and the terrible horrible no good very bad day

Today has been a really crappy, longest, wishing I was curled up in bed in my jammies, drinking a pot of tea, hating my job awful crappy AWFUL day. Do you ever feel like your entire world is falling in around you while you scramble heroically back and forth trying to hold it up? Thats me today. The countdown is on, and my stomach is a pile of nerves. I used to feel this way every day in grade two cause my teacher used to terrorize me...that was the scariest thing I had dealt with as a 7 year old...as a 26 year old today is it. I know I am strong, I know I can do this. Just get through today stargazer...you can do it. I have a magnet on my fridge that says "Everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, its not the end" This is now being taken as my personal mantra.

While the Hub's away, this Wife will play

Sounds exciting doesn’t it…I didn’t play at anything sordid or naughty so don’t fret. Actually had a pretty nice little evening (said in Will Ferrell voice from Old School) Tried to hook up sexy single coworker friend with Hubs dashing also single best friend. She was over for a PJ party/TV fest and I invited my neighbor (Hubs BFF) to come hang too—I am so slick as I casually brought up their mutual love of the Phillies. Matchmaker I am not, but I like to pretend I am anyway…we’ll see what comes of that. (Likely not with my track record of hooking people up)

The Hub has been in Spain for the past few days visiting BIL (brother in law) and while they are off having their adventures I am having some of my own. None of the globetrotting variety, but adventures nonetheless. I am playing a fabulous game called “remember when I was single?” I come home from work, tidy up, putter around, work on my various crafts (oh yes I am a regular budding Martha Stewart over here) I have been watching less TV and just enjoying the silence. I am falling asleep after writing in my journal and reading instead of absorbing through osmosis what’s happening on Sports Centre.

I even painted my finger nails a delightful colour of "iced mocha" last night—I always forget that I should do my toes first so I don’t wreck my fingernails, so alas my toes are currently a chipped deep plum from a pedicure many moons ago…thank goodness its winter so no one can see how I clash J

While reveling in said alone time, there are things that I am remembering that I didn’t cherish about being single. I miss being the little spoon in the spooning equation. I have no one to warm my ice feet against when I get back into bed after a midnight bathroom run. No one else is there to do the dishes, kill bugs or watch American Idol with.

I am enjoying this time to myself, its nice to just get to do whatever you want and not have to share your downtime with anyone else, but I think that I will have all my "me" time out of my system by the time he is home. ...until he goes away again ;)