Finally

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It's 4pm. I get to go home in an hour. Amen. Not sure why but I have felt like day of the living dead all day. Just feel a bit detached from everything around me. CANNOT wait to go home for the night. My boss announced to my department today in a meeting that I am leaving. Starting to feel a lot more real and it's really scary. This was my first job out of university and while I am excited for the changes to come sometimes the familiar no matter how mundane is still safe. Heading home at 5 to hit the treadmill and then we are going to a Jameson's sponsored 'Bartender's Ball' tonight. Will hopefully have pics tomorrow.

I've been tagged!!!

oooh, this is exciting for me, my first tag for a meme! Rebecca tagged me for a "why do I blog" meme. This is making me think cause to be honest I don't really know.

~I am still searching for my writing voice and I think that if I keep writing I can find it

~I have kept a journal since I was 11 and now that I am on a computer more than I am home with a journal this is a way of recording what is going on with me.

~Meet new people. I have "met" some really cool new internet friends through writing.

~Something constructive to do while I am not busy at work. I need to be on the computer and at least look busy all day...blogging lets me do that :)

I think I have to tag SWO with this now :)

Tragically Hip

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D took me out to see the Tragically Hip (my fave Canadian Band)last night. When we got there I was completely surprised to find out that it was sold out! While the Hip have a huge following in Canada I really didn't think that many people in the US would know who they were. It was so homey to me to see how many Canadians were in attendance. Many people were wearing 'Roots' gear or baseball hats repping Canadian Universities. It was nice to see that other people in this area who are from Canada are also looking to connect with other Canadians. I had such a surge of home pride to see some people waving the Maple Leaf in the front row. The show was awesome and I am so happy that I finally saw them live.


The boys!



The Venue

David never really liked them before when I have played songs for him; he thought that they sounded a bit whiny. Last night he claimed to really enjoy it and even though it was about 95 degrees at the TLA we had a great time. Since I am trying to be better about saving money lately I decided not to buy their latest CD. As a delightful surprise when we left the venue D pulled an autographed copy out of his pocket! It was a lovely surprise and as soon as I got home it went on my Ipod.

The Secret

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I mentioned the other day that I have been reading The Secret by Rhonds Byrne.I think a lot of people see it as amazing and life changing or on the polar opposite as super hokey. I am sort of in the middle, but everyone can use positive thinking in their life for the better. I can see how the law of attraction might work and I have seen things like this come into play in my life before. One part of the book states to just write down what you want and start being positive about it and it will work--these are the things I will have:

1) a nice, cute house

2) a fulfilling, good paying job

3) a nice well behaved dog

4) a cottage

5) time in my life for friends, family and my hobbies

These are my focuses for now...let's see how I make out

It's Friday, you ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do

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I had really odd dreams early this morning. First one I was at an Ice cream shop with my hubby and I was just leaning over the counter to see the flavours as I didn’t have my glasses on and couldn’t read from the line. An old woman came over to me and started screaming at me that I was trying to steal her turn which was next. I kept calming trying to explain to her and she wouldn’t listen…I suddenly got very aggressive with her and started screaming. (this is VERY un-me. I rarely yell or get that confrontational with anyone) I woke up all frustrated and had to pee. Came back to bed and queue my next dream: I am walking with Justin Timberlake as he gives a tour of his old neighborhood…and we proceed to get in a fight about Britney Spears. I think I have to stop eating before I go to bed!

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When I left my house this morning I had such an intense sense of Déjà vu. It was completely sound and smell related, but it was very overwhelming. When I was little we used to spend our summers in Muskoka at our cottage. I remember waking up in the mornings from my bedroom in the attic listening to the rain bouncing off the roof and feeling so safe and secure. My brothers and I would play yahtzee or monopoly, sometimes we would snuggle up in the glassed in sunroom to read old comic books. Watching the rain bounce off the water and When we wanted to go out my Mum would deck us out in cottage rain gear that always seemed to be a size to big and eternally musty. It was just such a nice flash back to that time as I put on my bright yellow rain jacket this morning. Listening to the rain hitting my umbrella. Then I realized that it was starting to absolutely pour and I still have no rainboots! I got to work soaked from my shoes up to my knees. I took my shoes off to dry them in front of Mari's heater, but because they are so old and smelly I think the wet dragged the stink into my socks and my desk area has remained foul feet smelling today. To be absolutely descriptive, it reminds me of the stink of old hockey equipment (my brothers would leave theirs out in the basement between games.)

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Tonight we are going to see Jon Stewart do his stand up at the Tower theatre. Should be a good time. We are taking D's parents and heading up to Upper Darby after work. Then I think I have to clean when we get home cause our apartment is really starting to get dumpy again. I don't know why, but I rule at being clean for a few days and then slowly but surely I get overwhelmed again and start leaving my clothes on the floor, not putting away dishes etc and then before I know it I am surrounded with junk. I think the worst thing is paper. D never will throw away junk mail, bills etc they just sit around and collect dust. We even get coupons to places we never go and he keeps them "just in case" I on the other hand am a scrapbooker so I continually keep movie tickets things I cut out of the Metro and I don't organize them at all so they threaten to take over my life. I need to stop being so messy!

Late night musings

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Just got in from seeing Kurt Rosenwinkel's Jazz quartet play at Chris' Jazz Cafe. Good times. Dinner was expensive and mediocre, but the music and company was great. I am currently sitting on the couch watching D pace back and forth while on the phone. His pace radius is 5-6 steps in each direction followed by a pivot once he gets as far as he wants to go. I have never actually counted his paces before but he has been on the phone for a while and as I am typing I keep seeing him pop back in and out of my field of view. I have actually never noticed before how intently he must pace the entire time he is on the phone....Now we are just hanging out watching our Tivoed CSI from this evening. We have a bad habit of DVRing lots of shows and never watching them so as we are at 97% full we have to stay up a wee bit tonight to watch some stuff. How sad is that?

Statistics

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D and I watched Night at the Museum last night and didn't make it to watch all our Tivoed shows which means that I DONT KNOW WHO GOT VOTED OFF IDOL. I am tryin to figure out the probability of me making it through the day at work (with all the internet surfing I do) without finding out. Crap.

Broken Heat Wave

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Amen to that! Last night was the first really comfortable sleep I have had since Friday. Sweet! It cooled down just enough so that our bedroom managed to be cool and comfy. It was really nice to wake up not covered in sweat this morning. I don't know what it is about the heat but I turn into a psychotic crabby person who literally could cry at the drop of a hat. It is embarrassing to hear myself whining to D regarding a situation out of his control. He bought us another fan that is high powered without sounding like a lawnmower. The larger one we had was awesome at cooling down our room but it would then keep me awake with it's less than zen fan hum.

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It's a good thing that I am able to sleep again cause from tomorrow til next Monday we have plans for every night! Tomorrow night we are going to Chris' Jazz Cafe to hear our good friend's brother play some jazz. I haven't heard him before but when I googled him I saw tons of great reviews online so I think it should be fun. We are meeting up with our friend as well as another couple we are friends with and doing dinner then the show should be great. Friday night we are going to see Jon Stewart do a stand up at a local theatre. Saturday D got us tickets to see Tragically Hip (a kick ass Canadian band that I love) Sunday we are going to the Phillies game with a big group of people and Monday night we are going to a Jameson sponsored Bartenders ball. This means that on Tuesday I will be going to bed about 6pm. We do like to have things going on and it's fun that at this stage in our lives we don't have the responsibilities that tie us down and not let us go out for 5 nights in a row, but it still makes me feel bad that I sometimes am a fan of being a homebody. I know one day I will be begging to be able to go out for a few nights in a row, but right now I am content spending several nights a week just at home doing nothing.

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I have a strange confession to make: I buy baby clothes. I have since I was about 20 and I do not know why. Luckily D doesn't think it is too insane or symptomatic of "baby fever". Today at lunch I was at the Gap outlet with a coworker who needed new onesies for her little son. They were selling ADORABLE jammies and outfits for $2.99...how could I not pick up a few things?! I tell myself that this way they will be all ready for when my several pregnant friends have babies I can have gifts that I got on the cheap all set for them...however I have already about 4 things of baby clothes at home that were set aside to give as gifts that I can't seem to part with. Is that really weird?

This and that/Work and life

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For the past two weeks at work we have been doing a really repetitive, tedious work. We are adding custom fields to really long word documents and adding on average 30 hyperlinks in to the document. While yes it is easy it just becomes sort of mind numbing really quickly…and I lose all notion of paying attention and then I start playing online and reading blogs. I think I am going to make a career switch and start looking for employment in the field of blog location and recommendation. I wonder what the starting salary would be for that. I suspect that the powers that be would not be thrilled knowing that I take mini breaks throughout the day to work on my blog posting and to read many others. While it is very beneficial for my mental health, I am sure it’s not awesome for my work productivity. I have been trying to be more positive about my job lately as I have spent a lot of time in the past few years cursing it out to friends and family alike. I have often thought that if I had a job I liked or that was maybe less monotonous, I wouldn’t be searching for outside stimuli for the duration of my 8 hours.

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While I think I seem to be really good at hiding it most of the time, I keep feeling like I am drowning lately and I can’t seem to fix it. I hate being the sad spazzy person and I have been working really hard to be more positive and upbeat to attract more positive things in to my life, but with all the changes I have coming up I just feel like I can’t keep my head above water. It’s scary to feel like I am going crazy all the time. I keep doing my now perfected procrastination routine in the hopes that magically all my shit gets sorted out and I don’t actually have to make any real decisions about anything. My decision to move back to Canada is likely a really selfish one. And I feel like it's hard being selfish when you are married. However a lot of what I have done in the past three years has been in my husband's best interest but it is nothing that I wouldn't do again in a heartbeat. I just feel like I can't explain to him that I am not leaving him I just need to go be by myself, spending some time with my family and getting things sorted out in my mind. For so long I relied on him to make me happy and felt frustrated when he wasn't able. I have figured out though that it is really not his job to make me happy, it is my job to make myself happy. How can I tell him how to help me when I don't even know what I need right now? The whole situation seems really messed up and I feel like no one understands thus making me feel really alone. I hate that I am hurting someone I love so much and I just wish that I could not have to deal with any of this and it would just all some how work out.

Magic Invention (hopefully)

At lunch I bought this Blister stick that was recommended by a friend. He claimed that it’s amazing for running shoes but D suggested that it would help me not develop blisters from my cute shoes collection. He cannot believe how many pairs of shoes I buy to complain after every one about the new location of blister that the shoe gave me. I haven’t tried this stuff yet, but I am going to have a go with it before wearing cute shoes to work tomorrow. I really hope this works cause it would be awesome to wear fun shoes without my feet looking like bloodied stumps.

Meme Monday

Because I am a total narcissist, when I stumbled upon Chirky doing another 5 question meme I hopped on the bandwagon. I think these things are much easier for those people who only have about 3 people who read their blogs cause then I don’t get inundated with people asking me for questions ;)

You must move to either Tokyo or Helsinki. Which one and why?
● I would have to say Tokyo. This is a hard question as I want to travel everywhere, but I think the Japanese culture appeals to me a lot. I would love to just hang out downtown Tokyo and take lots of Photos. Hopefully absorb the Japanese work ethic through osmosis. I also really like some of the fun fashion and electronics in Japan so I think the crazy busy hubbub of Tokyo would be fun to shop in. Also since my main pleasure in life is often derived from people watching I think Tokyo would be really intense for that.

What is your favorite state fair-type food?
● Hands down I have to say Funnel Cake. This love affair goes way back to my younger days with a mother who was not a big fan of feeding her children junk. So to be able to eat fried! Dough! with icing sugar! And fake fruity goo! It was pretty much a little taste of heaven on earth. Now when I eat it I still delight in knowing just how bad it is for me, but I get more annoyed with the icing sugar that I tend to get all over my face and clothing. Now I want funnel cake….curse you Chirky ;)

For a million dollars, would you let a man, with extremely offensive body odor (EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE), lick your chest for an hour?
● Ok…this one really depends. Do I get nose plugs? Can I have a friend there for emotional support? Honestly as much as I would LOVE a million dollars, of all my senses I think my olfactory organs are the most highly in tuned to my surroundings. And should someone really nastily smelling be all upon me I would likely be sick and thus making the situation that much more unbearable. This question has actually really got to me…I want to be the moral person with a strong distaste for foul body odor, but a part of me really wants a million dollars…I could always shower for a day afterwards. With that big payout I would have no problem paying an overly large water bill that month.

Donuts or pancakes?
● I am going to have to go with Donuts. I find that often pancakes are really dry and heavy and sometimes just not that tasty. I will be honest and say that I have never met a donut I didn’t find delicious. Especially the ones that the Amish people at the Reading Terminal Market make. Those have about 500 calories per bite, but they just melt in your mouth as they are still warm and fresh off the fryer. Also something made by a cute little lady in old fashioned looking clothes just has to taste good right?

What do you find most attractive about the opposite sex?
● Humm...just about everything? I am really into eyes and lips I would say. I really appreciate all of the male form to be honest but those are the two features I notice first when I meet a man. I feel that you can tell a lot about their personality by that. I love men with big full lips are kind eyes. If they have those and good taste in cologne I am done for.


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I just got back from a lovely lunch with Meags. We just hit up Ruby Tuesdays so it sure wasn’t the food, but the company was lovely. There really is no substitution for an old friend. We haven’t seen much of each other in the past three years, but there are those people who when you see again, you just pick up like it never had a break. I have been really self involved for the last few months so it’s nice to have such a great friend around to pick you up out of your funk.

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We had a really lovely weekend. Nothing crazy, just walking around in the gorgeous weather but it just felt so nice to be outside! We didn’t make it to the Turkish place cause Meags and Brian were stuck in traffic for about 2 hours on the Jersey Turnpike so we weren’t sure about a reservation etc, so we just went to our usual haunt and had some Saturday night Happy Hour specials which were great. There just seems something so promising about a weekend with near perfect weather. The only issue with this time of year is that the a/c hasn’t been turned on our apartment is sauna-esque at the moment. Due to a stupid planning error by whoever built our apartment, the windows in our bedroom do not open. We are in a loft style place so all the heat rises and our room is thick with heat. Last night we had all the fans on but it was still near unbearable. It is that kind of gross sticky heat where you are both lying on top of the sheets and covers wearing as minimal pajama coverage as you are comfortable with, barely wanting to look at each other so as not to disturb the heat ratio. We are snuggly sleepers. We both fall asleep best all cuddled up with our legs entwined. I don’t know why but D is my sleeping security blanket and I sleep best when at least one part of me is touching him. Last night I was too hot to even have toes touching. Hurray for May 1st as it brings with it the promise of the building turning on the air!

Sunny Saturday

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It's gorgeous out today! We went for a lovely walk to get smoothies this morning and are now attempting to power clean the apartment before Meagan and her boyfriend arrive. Not that we are slobs, but the bathrooms have needed cleaning for a while...perfect excuse.

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Also thought that after my complaining yesterday I should note that I managed to sit down last night and read an entire Jodi Picoult book!!!!! Her stories are so fascinating with random twists and turns...but hurray in 3 hours I read an entire one.

A case of the Fridays

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I do not want to do any work today. This is generally my thought most other days as well, but for some reason I am just having a really hard time getting the ball rolling into "work mode" today. This is a bit problematic as it is 2:15 and I really don't have a lot to show for the time I have spent here today. I actually spent about 30 minutes or more this morning on this Disney site making myself a fairy. Why you ask? I don't know to be honest! Although now I have two fairies that exist in Disney land and I don't really know what to do with them. However it was a great way to spend some time.

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I met D for lunch today at 1 Liberty which is the local mini mall in Center City. We had some ChikFilA for lunch and headed to the Borders Express so I could pick up a book. I ended up picking up 4. I have developed some form of readers ADD lately. I used to be a person who could never put a book down half way and pick something else up. This has changed in the past few months and I don't know why! I am currently reading "The Remainder" "Brief history of the Dead" "Seat of the Soul" and am about to start "The Secret" tonight! What the heck? I used to spend hours reading and would get through a book in a few sittings. Now the only time I seem to read is when I am home alone or travelling (neither of which is a common occurance) So I think I just have developed a super short attention span for books...while maybe its good cause I am no longer reading things that don't grab my interest in the first two sentences, it's bad cause I am spending even more money than usual on books! I have also noticed a movement in the types of books I am reading. I am leaning pretty heavily on the self-help genre as of late. I used to find that really hokey and internally make fun of people who read those types of books, but lately I think it's helping me feel less depressed if I am reading things that are encouraging positive thinking.

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Another reason to feel wonderful and not want to be inside working? The weather today feels like spring! Everything in Philly has been so grey for the past 5 months that this beautiful, cloud free day seems like a tease when I can only experience it through my 12th floor cubicle window. This weekend is supposed to be beautiful as well which is such a blessing as my friend Meagan is coming down to visit for a few days. She was last here in the fall a few years ago and it rained the whole time so it would be really nice to get to show her the city in style. The current plan for her visit is Saturday night: try out a new Turkish restaurantDivan (I have never had turkish food...so let's hope for the best) and just hang out. She was one of the co-maid's of honour at my wedding and I haven't had the chance to spend much time with her since then so this will be nice. Also on Monday night we are going to hit up an all you can eat sushi place and then head to a local club venue that has $3 movie night on Mondays...this week it is "16 candles". That was my #1 sleepover movie choice for most of my adolescense so I think it should make for a good night. Have a great weekend everyone :)

Florida

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Here I am with my cheeseball grin and trademark ridiculously large sunnies in sunny Coconut Grove Florida! We got in on Saturday around 2:30pm and headed from the airport to C.G to visit with some family that was spending the week there. Talk about a gorgeous hotel. I am standing on the pool deck in this photo and you could just see the ocean and the beautiful yahts in the background. It was such a welcome change from the grey cool weather we have been experiencing in Philadelphia lately. It was also a really fun opportunity to play with my newish camera.

We didn't get up to anything too crazy, but we just hung out, spent some time with D's grandma Pearl. We did get to go swimming twice, to the movies and out to eat at some tasty local restaurants. I am now completely enamoured with fried plantains.

Here is a photo of us with our kick ass new sunnies.

::: on an unrelated note--how does one line up photos in blogger so that they aren't all over the page and looking like crap?

Get questioned!

While reading Stefanie's blog this week I decided to join in with her meme. It's fun and gives you something new to talk about! I have copied the following directions from her: If you want to play, too, just read and abide by the following:1. Leave me a comment (with your email address, if I don't already have it) saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. Do you have a favorite famous quote? (Is it the Oscar Wilde one in your header? :-) If not, what is it?)

Well my blog is named after a particularly favourite quote by Oscar Wilde, but to be honest I am a quote collector. Here are two more of my favourites
"May you build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung" Bob Dylan
“Definitions belong to the definers, not the defined” Toni Morrison

2. Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?

Good question cause I have actually posted about this before! I frequently dream about a boy I went to elementary school with. I haven’t seen him since 1994 and I don’t really know where he is living now or what he is up to, but I dream about him about once a month. As for nightmares…I dream about my teeth falling out a fair bit, or being loose (post traumatic stress from 4 years of braces maybe?) I also dream about cockroaches every now and then. Barf.

3. What is the first thing you would do if you won two million dollars?

Pay off my student loan (lame) and then take a huge big fun trip with some friends. Wow doesn't that sound like a boring answer. I think I would just like to officially be out of debt before I went and did something crazy. I realize that 2 million isn't enough to retire on, but maybe I could rent a yagt with a hot cabana boy type and sail around the Mediterranean stopping in gorgeous ports to do some fun sunning, eating and shopping. I would love to just not have to worry. Pay off my Mum's house...that would be nice too! I always have these little dreams on the weeks that I buy a lotto ticket.

4. What is one thing that you are better at than most people are?

Being that I am most often very self deprecating this is a tough one to answer. Most people tell me that I am exceedingly nice and friendly even in situations where I would be best advised to be cranky and stubborn…maybe this relates to me always trying to see the good in others and in their actions. So I guess I would say that I am better than most people at looking for the best in people and being friendly.

5. What is one thing that you cannot do to save your life?

From the looks of this survey, reply to a question with only one answer ;) Also, anything other than simple math. This leads to embarrassing situations as it sometimes takes me a bit too long to calculate the proper tip or to figure out a percentage. Luckily D thinks its endearing that I sometimes have to stop and count in my head before putting things down to paper. Hopefully my kids don't inherit that! Also... I can't do anything with my hair other than put it in a ponytail. Whenever I have tried neat hairstyles in ths past I usualy end up combing it out and going back to the trusty ponytail in the end.

Taco Flavoured Kisses

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It's 2:30 and I just got back from a lovely late lunch. My coworker and I decided that we had had enough so we went to the Mexican place on the corner and had some nachos and some beers for lunch. We waited til after 1pm to leave so we wouldnt be seen by anyone (although it's Friday and it seems that everyone in power is mysteriously working from home). So I am sitting at my desk, with no work to do and a bit of a buzz...how fun. I am making a mental list of everything I need to get in order and packed up tonight. D and I head to Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow to visit Grandma Pearl. She is the cutest, littlest old jewish lady you have ever seen in your life. I get a real kick out of seeing her as she shows me off to the other little old ladies who live in her community. This is looking like her last year down there for the winter so we wanted to make sure we visited her so that she got to have some company this year. She lives in Scranton normally and heads down south for the winter, but I think it's too far for her nowadays and she is really lonely now that her husband passed away.

BUT, on a more positive note--I am going to be spending 3.5 days chilling in Florida, hopefully taking some cool photos, swimming, shopping at the largest outlet mall I have ever seen and eating some good food. We only planned this vacation two weeks ago so this is just such a nice little mini-break for me! Looking forward to relaxing and attempting to tan these albino legs!

That burning sensation

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I used a pharmacy-brand breathe right strip last night so that I could breathe while sleeping and it has left a sticky residue on my nose that nothing will seem to take off! I even used a small amount of nail polish remover, which was extremely painful due to my nose being raw from blowing it so much! Aren't I all about complaining. But there is a lesson to be taken away from this--> only use the real breathe right strips. This may come in handy to some as Allergy season is fast approaching.

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On a more serious note I talked to my boss today about me wanting to move back to Canada. I was hoping that there would be some sort of leave I could take, but unfortunately I am not really eligable for the Family Medical Leave act and there wasn't really anything else they could offer me. I am not as worried for myself, but the main reason I wanted to just take a leave was so that D could keep my health insurance. His diabeties makes the whole "pre-existing condtion" thing kinda tough to beat and it's hard and expensive for him to get it outside of work. Unfortunately his line of work doesn't really offer it so he is going to have to get a job somewhere like Starbucks or something part time just so that he can get medical care. It's too bad that he can't still be covered by his parents...(which seeing as he is 28 isn't all that surprising) but...it's a lot of pressure nonetheless to make sure that it doesn't lapse. Say what you want about socialized medicine system, but I don't think people in Canada have to make their lives revolve around whether or not they have/can get/can maintain their health benefits.

Big girl panties

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Much to my delight, when D and I went to check the mail yesterday there was a card addressed to me! After reading it I had to bring it into work today and scan it. It really is a fun kick in the butt to the way I have been feeling lately. I am clearly really negative lately and I just need this pink haired lady to tell me what's up. I am not to clear on which of my undies are considered my big girl ones, but I think I just need to suck it up and decide what I am doing and go for it.

Lazy Sunday

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Yesterday D and I celebrated Easter in a very traditional and special way. We snuggled on the couch watching nearly the entire first season of Arrested Development and ate pizza! I was going to try to go to church, and D had offered to go with me, but I just couldn’t get it together to go. That really is the epitome of laziness as I couldn’t get it together to dress nicely and walk the three blocks to the closest church…ha ha ha.
It was just really really nice to get to spend the day together doing nothing but catching up on naps and snuggles and random TV shows. I love renting shows on DVD cause then you can just watch as the series unfolds and not just wait to go week to week. Again, lazy.

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Tonight we are finishing off our taxes and doing dinner with D's mom. We are going to one of my fave beer joints/restaurants, but it is almost always jam packed so I am hoping for the best that we can just get a seat as I am dying for their sour octopus (sounds gross but is delightful) I am also doing a phone training session with SWO’s mom tonight. She is getting certified to be a life coach and she needs to do her thing on one more person before she can do the test. HURRAY I am getting life coached tonight. wooooo

Slow moving Saturday Morning

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D had to work this morning and while I am sad he has to work for a few hours on a Saturday, I must say it does feel nice for once having him getting up before me. He never has to be up before me during the week and rarely is he up at the same time as me, so I always head off to work as he is still all snuggled up in bed. I feel guilty admitting it, but...I did derive a sense of satisfaction to be able to fall back asleep when he left! Not too sure what we are up to today. We are completely busy every day for the next 4 weekends so we thought that this weekend we can do whatever we want...but that always leads to the cyclical conversation of "what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" I think we are going to go to a museum and out to lunch. No idea about tonight. I feel bad cause I have always been kind of a homebody. I sometimes get a bit of social anxiety so I have a hard time going out, and also for the past 6 months I just tend to get upset and want to cry at the drop of a hat. When D and I met he was big into going out and I think I have turned him into a hermit. At least during the week, but I also sometimes just like to hang out at home on the weekend nights too--which while cheaper can get boring I guess since we do it Mon-Fri anyway.

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I just realized as I have been writing that I didn't notice the date in early April and I never mentioned anything for my Dad's 7 month passing mark. These are the things that scare me. I am amazing with the guilt I can feel for not thinking about him every day. I just don't want to forget things about him so much...even how long it has been since he died. I think I have to move through the guilt cause I know he wouldnt want me feeling like that at all.

T G I Good Friday

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It's a quiet lonely day at work today as a lot of people are out and all my friends from back home have the day off work. Alas I actually have to get some work done today! I still have minimal motivation (which seems to be the norm as of late) but I have to get some stuff done. I am still hoping that we can skidaddle early this afternoon. Tonight D and I are going to see Spamalot and I am really excited to get dressed up and hit up a play. We don't get to see shows that often, and since I bought tickets for this back in October, I can definitely say I have been looking forward to it for months!

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Last night we went to an incredible restaurant Waterworks to celebrate D's cousin's birthday. I drank about half a bottle of wine and some port so I was feeling very nice by the time we left. We had DVR'ed CSI, so we attempted to watch it when we got home, but apparently we both fell asleep at the same point and woke up to "stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode" Neither of us knew who did it so we are going to have to go for round two tonight. I think that drinking before I go to bed does not help with my sleeping issues. I seem to pass out easily but then wake up as early as usual but am just really out of it. I don't think I get into a deep enough sleep.

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I discovered a fun new blog today. I have been really getting into photo blogs as of late and I really want to make mine snazzier and better formatted to share some of the photos I have been taking lately. But I digress: sweep the sunshine is the blog I was talking about. She wrote a really nice piece about "Ubuntu". Which can be defined as “The belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity.” Desmond Tutu explained it this way:
"A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed. "
I really liked the idea of that. I think perhaps I have been reading too many self help books or something lately but I am really trying to feel more connected as a whole.

Wacky Weekday Weather

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My love for alliteration took over any sense I had about what to name today's post...I feel like such an old woman discussing the weather even though there are way more exciting things going on, but I am not good at waking up on time in the mornings with enough minutes to spare to check the weather. So like an idiot I tend to assume that since it's been so nice out lately that it will likely also be nice out today...not so much. I wish I had packed a scarf cause I was freezing in my spring jacket this morning.

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I have realized this week that I am a hypocrite. I get angry with D when he cannot answer questions I pose to him about Judiasm, yet he asked me questions about Easter that I could not remember. I used to go to Sunday school a lot when I was younger and actually do know the answers, but I couldn't remember exactly what Palm Sunday was...I remembered we used to make crosses from palm leaves, but I wasn't sure why. I have been at a strange place with my religious beliefs in the past few years. When I was younger I believed wholeheartedly. I just had faith. But as I have aged I think I have become more cynical and unsure. But I still feel like it's important to at least be more aware of the fundamentals of my religion, so I googled Good Friday and Palm Sunday and now I feel better that I can remember why this is such an important holiday.

Blur

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This is a photo that D took of me the other day while we were riding in the back of the car. It feels very symbolic to me at the moment--there is me looking and only seeing things passing in a blur. I just feel so confused in my life lately and I don't know how to get back to clarity. I have been talking about moving back to Canada. Not to leave D marital wise, but just for some space. I am not happy right now with my job, or just in general. I feel like D and I rely on each other too much for our happiness but I think that we need to figure out how to make ourselves happy. I have been trying to figure out a way to talk to him about this in a manner that didn't seem like I am trying to get a divorce...a few of our conversations went well, but then when I tried to explain it to him further today I think I just hurt him more. He feels like "space" is something people want when they are starting divorce proceedings. The problem is that we both have a lot of baggage right now and I just thought that maybe if we could work through it on our own we would be able to get back together after a wee bit of space and be stronger than ever. I just feel that for a little while I need to be on my own. Get my shit figured out while giving him time to figure out hiw own. Neither one of us is able to support each other in the way we need right now and I just need some "me" time....not "planning on divorcing my hubby time" but "figuring out how to be happy with myself time" Does this make sense? Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

Lazy Sunday

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Sunday was the least productive day I have had in months and you know what? I LOVED IT. D's back wasn't feeling all that great and the only position he seemed to be comfy in was lying on his back in bed, so we dug out all the old VHS movies we have at the apartment (we only have a VCR upstairs). We enjoyed such gems as "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "The Mummy Returns" and "The Scorpion King", which by strange coincidence was on USA network when we finished watching the Mummy. Usually I have been getting really riled up lately about wanting to be motivated and get stuff done on the weekends; a residual effect from having my Mum here helping me organize...but this Sunday it was just so nice to eat snacks in bed and watch movies and not feel like it was the end of the world if I accomplished nothing.